Gray
by f U n N i E b O n E s 2K
Summary: It’s raining again and I can’t help but feel grateful because it coincides with the way I feel. The raindrops tap angrily against my window and everything in sight is shrouded by a veil of gray.


Gray

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   It's raining again and I can't help but feel grateful because it coincides with the way I feel. The raindrops tap angrily against my window and everything in sight is shrouded by a veil of gray. If you were here, you'd see how angry and glum it is. You'd see, but you would never feel. You're out there somewhere and I'm here trying to decide whether I want you to be happy or not. What I can decide, however, is whether you deserve it or not. You don't. At least not until you've had your fair share of ache. 

   Why did it have to end that way? Were you just tired of waiting for me or was it my adamant tenacity that you realized you couldn't control? The fact that your patience could only go but so far reminded me that you weren't worth wasting my life on. You weren't worth hanging on to. You couldn't wait any longer for me, so I'm not waiting on you. I live a fast paced life and I take what I want and leave what I don't. 

   I could never change for anyone. I would, but I can't control that. I have the flexibility of a twig. I've lost someone else due to this, and I've tried to change for them, but somehow I can't. That's my disability. I gave in to this half-hearted attempt to change for you, but it was too little, too late. You tried to change for me as well, but you noticed that I wouldn't for you, so you quit altogether.

   I'd like to think that it is of no matter to me, but somehow I wish it didn't have to end that way. All I can do now is walk away from it and try my luck and my efforts on other people. The bizarre thing is that I don't regret anything. I can think of things that I should have said, but knowing that life does not rewind, I can only think of tomorrow. 

   Often in life, we come across people and experiences that help us become who we are. I suppose you were one of them. You're only a distant etching in my mind now but I've learned so much from knowing you. There are times when I wish I never knew you; there are times when I see it as the inevitable. 

   If I were to see you again, I don't think I'll even say a word to you. Acknowledging your presence is probably the most I can do for you. Not that it hurts so much, but I just hate attempting to make idle conversation with people who can't carry on intelligent conversations. Hopefully you'll have the same nonchalant pride that I carry. But I doubt that. You've always been the one reaching out to me. And I've always been the one intentionally reaching out a fraction of the way. If you really know me, you'll be wise enough to know that your efforts probably won't carry over. I've been trained to put on a face that wholly contradicts what I feel, and I can say whatever I want to say even if I don't honestly believe in my words.  

   I'll admit that I had my fair share of wrongs directed towards you, intentional and unintentional, but in the end, I've done what I could to try to mend the damage that I've done. Apparently that wasn't good enough for you and I suppose that's that. What's odd is that we both knew what we were setting ourselves up for, and we still jumped right in. Head first. If you didn't, at least I did. Or maybe you just set yourself up for it because you knew you wanted it. You showed no signs of hesitation. You didn't even suppress it. 

   What I don't get is why you even tried. You knew and I knew that you weren't what I wanted. I thought I clearly stated that every day. That probably went through one ear and out the other. You knew that I was the exact antithesis of you. You cared about things I would scoff or sneer at. I cared about things you have never heard of.  

   What's funny is, in some other time, some other place, some other situation; I would have never wanted to know you. I don't think I really wanted to know you, you just pried your way into my life using reverse psychology. I thought it would be fun to mess with your mind, so I kept on. I didn't mean for it to end this way.  

   I would like to erase you from my memory, but I'd like to keep the lessons that I've had. You're eroding away and I attribute that to the life I lead. With time you'll be nothing but a fragment, but now I'm just nursing my broken pride. My heart wasn't broken or anything. You just toppled me over. I thought I'd have some fun, but it wasn't all fun and games. I suppose I can't do that. You've gained something from this and I have as well. I'm smarter now. Not that much smarter, but at least now I have a basis for what I believe in. 

   If you regret crossing paths with me, then that's fine. I would find that funny anyway. I find a lot of things about you extremely amusing. You contradict yourself. Intentional or unintentional, you contradict yourself. As if you weren't a blunder in life already. You were too pious and self-righteous that it was just too good to be true. I've always doubted it. 

   It's still raining and I still feel this way. Maybe it's because you've gained more than I have. Maybe because you're happier than I am and I can't convince myself that you deserve it more than I do. I suppose the only thing that can wash away this feeling is time. Not the raindrops that are deafening my ears, not the suppressed pain I feel, but time.


End file.
